*instrumental music in the background as you ponder over your weakest moment so far*

Didn’t think you would make it out and like this, did you?

I am still broken and I get this feeling I will make it out alive but am not sure if I will want a life. I know I will need to keep breathing and will do so effortlessly until it’s my time, the problem is I cannot breathe properly either but well let’s not get started on what I can and cannot do so early.

I want to learn how to survive. I want to learn to smile through my tears again. I want to be able to pretend to be strong even though I am as weak as I can be. I was pretty good at this you know. At faking. Faking I am doing good, faking life is all good and exactly how I want, I couldn’t be happier,

“how are you doing?? Long time!!”

“I am doing great, couldn’t be better!! (Read as am worse than I was when we last spoke which was on my birthday last year I guess).

365 days. 52 weeks. 52 weekends. 12 months. 35+ annual holidays. You see where this is going right? Good. So despite this time that I was gifted with, mind you, I am dark but still holding on to some little hope thinking of life as a gift and hoping I will make something out of it. Yup so despite this abundance that I was blessed with, i could do nothing, nothing but sleep. Nothing but stare at the clock ticking by, stare at each minute pass by and then replace minutes by hours. Then go back to sleep and then wake up to cover my face with the thick sheet in the middle of summers and a.c is off, I can’t feel it. You name it and I couldn’t feel it. It’s like a vacuum, a vacuum that keeps sucking the life out of you piece by piece until all you can feel is the inside of your skin. The body feels so empty that you could literally feel hollow inside, from waist below all hollow. From neck to lungs it feels like air is stuck, it wouldn’t pass by, can’t inhale or exhale, like you can’t breathe, face just keeps waiting to fall down. And head? Remember the morning after your super drunk night, when everything is still spinning around and you were looking around for water and falling, cause well, everything is spinning? Or do you remember the super high afternoon when you couldn’t remember what were you high on? Cause you be so cool!! Yeah. Head feels pretty much like that except in turns, oh and am neither drunk nor high.

Oh there is this list I mentioned above? You know the generic strengths and weaknesses? Turns out it wasn’t just an mba or job interview question!! It was a real life real time question! Pretty much as clueless as then but now weaknesses and inabilities is a much longer list. Strength…ummm…blank…ummm….I am actually very, oh no I am not…ummm..Chuck that what shall I eat!

*goes off to sleep*

Wake up. Repeat! Anyway…

HOW YOU DOING?

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