Loss. Grief. Pain. Void. Death. I think this is the first time in my life that I realize what grief is. And all the well wishes with ‘Stay strong’, they are going to go in from one ear and out through the other, just like how we tried to feed him ORS, but it didn’t go into his system, it just kept slipping out from the other side of his mouth.

Heartbreak and grief. I thought I knew what the two words meant, until my 8year old happy, healthy and loving boy Kairo, breathed his last. After what I was hoping was going to be the first of the many evenings where we he would chase tennis balls with his furry buddies, turned out to be his last.

Kairo IS my little boy, my very first child. He always will be. And a well meaning acquaintance/friend/family may say I know what’s it’s like to lose a pet, stay strong. Here’s the thing. I didn’t lose a pet. My child suffered a tragic final 26 hours of his life, when that happens, strength is not what one looks or hopes for.

What I need is not strength, what I need is to take away that pain he was in, what I need is to know he is happy, healthy and out of pain, wherever he is. Are those questions I could find answers to? I think everyone would agree what the likely response to this question is. So stay strong? Not this time.

The last 5 days I have experienced emotions like never before. The constant back and forth between remembering the good times and those final 26 hours, what happened, what could have happened differently, what shouldn’t have happened at all, everything around it, and more.

None of the above is going to turn back time to allow for a different sequence of events or a different reality, but it is the reality, the reality we have to live with today. That’s just it. That’s just as much we can process right now.

We need to think about how we comfort someone, and whether the words we offer actually offer comfort in any way. Every individual experiences, processes the loss of a loved one in their own unique way, unique to how it happened, unique to the bond they shared, unique to them. Sometimes just giving people time to accept is all one can do. Healing, finding peace, and everything around it will happen when it happens.

I hope my baby is in good health, and finds comfort and happiness wherever he is. Please send him healing and love.