Listening. What does listening to someone really mean?

People often say – “You are not listening to me” – What do they mean? More than thinking about what listening implies, would it help to think about what makes someone feel heard? Do they need a nod of acknowledgement or agreement? Does feeling heard imply you have let out all you were holding within or does it mean simply sharing with no desire for a presumed reaction?

Maybe every circumstance also requires us to be heard in a different manner. So then the ball is in the listener’s court? To assess which situation requires them to respond in a certain way. Wouldn’t it be simpler on all to just share how they feel without feeling compelled to act within certain guidelines because the situation demands so? But that also means the certain guidelines you expect someone to abide by in your times of need, does not have to restrict how they choose to respond.

Either way, it boils down to expectations, as it appears. We are always looking to be heard a certain way, cared for a certain way, supported a certain way. And when the response is not as per how we had hoped, there is friction, assessment of intent – often assumption of malintent.

We humans have a desperate need to have all the answers in an instant. No matter if grasping the nature of a concern requires more time, our response – however appropriate/ inappropriate – must surface in the immediate. No matter how the gap keeps widening under the influence of these actions, and often hurtful words.

So as we decipher the intent from the actions, and hold onto our intent and another’s actions, we keep contributing to this steadily increasing distance. Amidst the chaos that our mind is, the conditioning it tries to break away from, the patterns it tries to steer away from, the need to be held, heard and cared for makes a subtle appearance. And we either choose to give in or ride the tides of mismatched expectations.

So, next time you find yourself conflicted about intent / action, pause, breathe, breathe a bit more till you get a hold of your mind, your adrenalin rush, your words, your instincts to lash out. And when you feel you are ready, speak up, share, listen, understand, course correct and hit that reset switch.

It won’t be easy, but it’ll be worth it!

Image by No-longer-here from Pixabay